A Cry for My Son

WHEN THEY DON’T DESIRE HIM LIKE YOU DO... A TESTIMONY ABOUT WAITING
 
It wasn’t until I reached my fifth year in Ministry that I really petitioned God, even fasted and prayed regarding the issue that plagued me. As Pastor and Teacher I was well aware that many seeds which were planted would indeed fall by the wayside. I also knew that I had a responsibility as stated in Ezekiel 3:18 to simply warn God’s people. I knew that I was responsible for sometimes planting, sometimes watering, but only God could get the increase. However, one day I was met with a challenge that I never imaged existed. The challenge was my son. He was not saved and didn’t have the Holy Ghost indwelling. Naturally with us operating a church He was still required to attend services with us and even accompany us to fellowship with other ministries. After months passed by, there was one particular evening in the midst of an alter call that the young man decided to go to the alter and request to receive the Holy Ghost. I was not the speaker of hour and was not forewarned of his intent to go to the alter, nonetheless, there He was. The minister laid hands upon him and began to pray. After about fifteen minutes he was told to continue to seek God, read the Word, and over time He would come. I thought to myself, “I could have told him that”. He requested the Holy Ghost but had not repented of any sins or requested that Jesus be His personal Lord and savior. On the inside, with me being a Pastor as well as his parent, I was extremely embarrassed. Not because he wasn’t taught but because he was! He knew about having to repent, being godly sorrowful, and establishing a personal relationship with Christ. However, on this occasion he thought that he could take a shortcut and he could also prove us (his parents) wrong by going before the alter to another minister. Though there was embarrassment and disappointment, this was just the start. As time went on and another birthday passed we received instructions from God to not only operate as a church but give bible studies specifically for him each week and pray individually with him every day. One Wednesday evening after having our usual bible study, God told me to take him and begin praising the Lord like we never have before. That night after about a half hour of praise he began in the midst of praise to utterance in an unknown tongue. So finally at the young age of thirteen he received the Gift of the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues. I thought “wow” God used us and now this kid is coming around. This was a relief not only because we wanted to play such an intricate role in the growth process but also because he has so many emotional issues and things he was dealing with naturally that nothing else could fix it but the Holy Ghost. He was lazy, immature (both spiritually and naturally), he was spoiled, and he had no regard for anyone else in his life. I speak of these things very gently. Some of you may say, “He’s just a teen going through adolescence”. However, my friend, this child was on another level of ignorance, disobedience, rebellion, and absolute blatant disregard for everyone he came in contact with. I began to ask the Lord “how do I deal with this child?” We teach, teach, teach, and pray but no changes are taking place. He received the Holy Ghost but nothing has changed for the good. After he received the Holy Ghost I gave instructions that he should read the bible daily and pray, praise, and worship. Everything he did was because I told him to, not because he had the desire to. The Lord advised me to address this issue on numerous occasions.  I approached him one evening and I asked why he was going through the motions. I said the way he praised God in order to receive the Holy Ghost is the way he should praise all the time. He said he only received the Holy Ghost because he wanted to speak in tongues like the others around him. So his plan was to only speak in tongues and praise God while in church services. He said, “I’ll do it when the time is right.” In other words, He’d do it when certain people in services are watching.
I began to get vexed and extremely frustrated. How could the Lord do this to me? Then my husband said, “How can you lead adults to Christ if you can even get a thirteen year old to follow you? I couldn’t believe he asked me that. I set good examples, I wasn’t being a hypocrite, but nothing I did created a spark. Oftentimes, I would reflect on my own childhood. I had so much potential. If only I had someone in my corner. If only I had someone who cared enough about my future. If only someone cared enough to push me to higher heights. There was no example; no one that cared whether I lived or died; failed or succeeded; but he does have those people around him. He has people who sincerely care. He has people who push him, encouraging him but he’d rather feel sorry for himself. He acts like a human robot going through the motions every day, but nothing penetrates the heart.
All the time I pray for changes. This boy had at one point started to consume me. I began to get upset with the Lord. Why did you send him here?  I can’t force him to want you? He has a choice. “I can’t pastor someone who has no will or desire to listen”, I spoke to the Lord. What else is left to do except move on? I can only give the Word and leave it there. You, only God, can give the increase. The same would apply to any other member of your church. I cannot control what they do with the Word when the service is over. So why am I so frustrated with this little boy?
He has no real problems. He has always experienced a two parent household. He has always been surrounded by people who love him... He has never been physically or emotionally abused. He has very little responsibility and chores around the house. He has a life that many can only dream of. What’s really holding him back from really receiving you with his whole heart?
I remembered the scripture written, in the midst of all of this turmoil, which stated, “if I be lifted up, I’ll draw all men unto me.” So I said, “okay, each time I go into praise and worship, I’ll praise God a little harder in hopes that God would look upon my praises and draw my son closer because of it. One thing I know is that God’s Word is true and will not return void. So the only thing left to do was try it out. Do what the Word says to do and let the Word work out the rest. That’s what I did. As time went on, however, we weren’t making progress. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into years.
The crazy thing about all of this was that I was the only one affected. It hurt me that I couldn’t win this child over with the Word. I thought the anointing is what breaks yokes. Analyzing the situation over and over had me wondering if I had a yoke myself which was that child. No one is losing sleep but me. Why do I care so much? Because as Paul mentioned in the Word, “you are my work in the Lord”. What does this say about me as the shepherd? How many will truly follow me? Paul also stated, “Follow me as I follow Christ.” I am following you Jesus!
This situation is taking a lot out of me. It many ways it is draining my anointing. Why? Why? Why? I use the fruits of the spirit to the best of my ability but I seem to be running low on patience. I’ m wondering if he’s been sent by the enemy to ruin my relationship with Christ because lately my chase of the face of God really has been challenged. I feel the joy that I’ve once knew slowly away all because of my inability to properly deal with this situation.
It’s not just the fact that Azaria is hard to win over, but he is also a carrier of demonic forces. The spirits he brings in and out of the house affect us as well as the other children. With all that we deal with daily in spiritual warfare, the last thing I should deal with is cleansing the house over and over and cleansing the children because of spirits he has caused us to be subject to. I’m starting to be void of joy and I fear becoming bitter. If it were and out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing I could probably cope better. However, the fact that he lives with me and I continue to witness the nonchalant, no care for Christ; it drives me nuts.
As a pastor and watchman I can’t willingly ignore someone in my house. I just can’t! Here lately I’ve been rebuking spirits of agitation, disobedience, anxiety, and hate. Even more so, hate and division. I really found myself being standoffish because he has rejected me and the God in me. Enough is enough, I thought. Please God rescue me from myself.
I know this seems over the top and obsessive but what do you do when you can’t sell you own child on serving Christ? What type of teacher was I? How does this look from the outside in? Do I just let it go? I don’t want my good to be evil spoken of. I continued to pray of course, and set positive examples. However, I also set out to find someone who would listen and be interested.
It was important for me to keep in mind that spiritual warfare is still spiritual warfare. The enemy never sleeps  and will use everything and anyone he can to throw us of track of what we are supposed to be doing. I’m supposed to be winning souls and the enemy knows that I’m not going to put down my weapons but even if he can cause me to lose focus then he is being just as effective at doing his job. I can’t be so focused on those that refuse to accept Christ that those who would be willing to receive Him miss out on the opportunity because I didn’t know when to let go. The bible states that one will chase a thousand. We must keep chasing and focus on the one. The bible reminds us that the Heavens rejoice over the one life that is saved. Some will hear and some will forbear but we must keep going and avoid unnecessary distractions.
One night a bible study was coming to a close, I asked Azaria why he didn’t have a desire for God and he told me the only time he could sincerely pray and praise god is when he had trials and tribulations and during times when he gets in trouble.
On the outside I was calm but on the inside my blood began to boil. However, I said, “Lord, at least I finally got the truth out of this kid.”
It was unfortunate to believe that someone could only be true toward the Lord and draw near unto him only in the midst of circumstance but sadly this is a truth for many Christians, both young and old. It shouldn’t be that way, though. Many don’t think of God until they need to be rescued out of a situation or circumstance. That isn’t a real relationship. That is what we call seeking God for His hand and not His face. There is nothing like the real thing! Whether we recognize it or not, our inner man cries out for what is real. Some people survive on the superficial things in life, but it doesn’t last long and it’s not fulfilling. Some will wind up feeling a deep void within that can only be filled by the real thing! Real holiness, real righteousness, real faithfulness, real prayer, real praise, real worship, real desire, which only comes from one real source; Jesus. He must do the work through His Spirit, if you’ll be a willing vessel.
A question I have is, “When is enough, really enough?” We aren’t supposed to give up on anyone. Love conquers and overcomes. When you’ve done all you can, you ought to stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. Nevertheless, at the same time our fruits should show. So if no one is showing fruit then what does that say about me? Is my teaching in vain? How do I become all things to all men without being in your way? Without interfering with the increase that only you can give? How do I avoid this affecting my zeal? Teach me Lord to be patient and wait on you, knowing that your Word specifically says… that when they grow old they will not depart. 
​A GODCHASER